I'm alone again. And trying hopelessly to figure out why all my relationships are temporary. Yes, this is one of THOSE blogs. But really, the more I think about it, the more it makes my fingers ache to realize that I keep digging and digging until my nails are peeling back at the root, bloody, trying to break through the mud and grime and dirt to find something worth hanging on to and it's just... never there. And now the ground is on it's way to freezing which makes me terrified to think that the soil will be too solid to penetrate until Spring, and I'll be alone through the cold harsh months of winter, shivering, and waiting...
I think about the past few years, the loves that have come and gone, the feelings that always end up fleeting and I think to myself... if only I could put a little bit of all of them into one person, I'd finally be able to rest. A man with a drive like my husband of a whopping five months - completely content to work himself exhausted to provide for me and his son. A lover with the mind of the man from last September, absolutely brilliant and incredibly insightful yet a little off kilter and almost dangerously unstable. Or someone with the voice of my girlfriend from years ago, sultry and smoky and so smooth it would give you chills. The passion of my summer love, two summers in fact, who loved, kissed, talked, wrote, drove, walked, and fucked like the entire world owed him something, always so fiery and so intense, with this constant sense of immediacy that makes you feel like the world will end tomorrow and you HAVE to live every second today. I want eyes like two Halloweens ago that always looked through me as opposed to at me, arms as big as a few winters back that nothing could ever penetrate (the only time I felt truly safe), or my birthday love from last year, the sweetest and most gentle giant I've ever had the pleasure to know. If only they all could melt together into one person for me, I wouldn't have to keep digging and digging and breaking my fingers and waiting for the bones to fuse back together before I begin to dig again, in vain. It almost feels like I'll reach the flames of Hell and meet my fate there before I finally find the one for me... if there is one at all...
Yes, I know. I always hate people who say, "Once you stop looking... blah blah blah" and "Just feel good feeling single...blah blah blah" It is a irritating blister/ splinter/ head ache/ hang nail that no body wants to hear about (at least I don't think they want to hear me go on about it...) nothing to do but suffer. You said it so well.
ReplyDeleteI went through the same thing last semester, as you well know! It sounds cliche, but the best thing is to "do you," as they say. Of course, you can always drop a line to the right people if you too sad;)
ReplyDeleteWell, I'll be one of those individuals who feeds you the bull that "it will come". I think part of the reason something doesn't last is if you move to quickly into it. I don't know you personally, but that's my experience and about all I can really offer, it probably isn't much.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I'd follow in here, if you like. The seasons. There's a great sense of time flowing past you, or almost as if you are flowing along, being swept away by time and the seasons. I would hang onto those, study those a bit. And who is the absolutely brilliant guy? What is brilliant? And what is passion? There's so much volcano waiting to explode in here. Let it out.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this I felt like wow, thats a lot of different people through the years. To be honest I think thats what's to be said...They are all very different. Is it that they are different? or you dont know what you want? I think you should at this point begin to question more of the you in this piece. You dig deeper but who is it that you are really digging for? would you really know who it is once you put your bloody scarred finger on them?
ReplyDeleteThis is a really emotion filled piece that's unlike most "I'm single again" rants. I love how you systematically construct you're "perfect" man using the most desirable traits from past lovers.
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